A Eulogy

I hate goodbyes. And I'm not good at them. When my beloved grandmother passed away a year ago not only did I feel slapped in the face, but I experienced a weird emotional roller-coaster with many hormonal ups and downs which involved a few embarrassing public tearful episodes and several dazed moments when I would stare blankly into space with pretty much nothing on my mind. So when my very best friend passed on a few days ago, I resolved not to behave the same way. Therefore I'm hoping that this eulogy will allow me to come to terms with her death.

I met Hemala close to 11 years ago. I was 9, and had just moved to Peninsular Malaysia from East Malaysia. Not only was I a great source of gossip (being from another part of the country), but I was quite a runt with a very close resemblance to a stick insect, and buck teeth. Yeah that was me back then. On my first day of school I behaved like a scared puppy, sitting alone at the back of the class wide-eyed and afraid of everyone. And nobody dared to approach me, they just stared at the 'new' girl. The new girl was creepy, and evil little girls have no sympathy for new girls.

However one person wasn't afraid of me. Hemala was the first to approach me, and she took me around the school on my first day and gave me a tour as well as introduced me to the other girls ( I was in a convent school). I distinctly remember her telling me to go to her if I had any problems and she was kind enough to tell the other girls to talk to me and make friends. Having nobody else and being naturally antisocial, I stuck to her hard like a leech, and in no time we were best friends. That very weekend I met another girl in church who happened to be from my class at school. We too struck up a friendship and before long, Hemala, Amelia and I developed a close bond. Honest to God I cannot remember how it happened. We were as different as chalk and cheese, but we became the unlikeliest of friends despite having next to nothing in common.

Hemala was one of the most hardworking people that I have ever met. She'd stress herself out over the littlest things. We had such a hard time coaxing her to relax and be a little more laid back. She was also incredibly innocent and hence often unwittingly hilarious. We had a lot of laughs at her expense as she was often confused with pretty much everything we said and it took a long time to explain things to her. She relished our friendship, constantly begging for sleepovers. Forming groups in school for assignments were a no-brainer as we had an unspoken agreement to do almost everything together. I still recall one night where we stayed over at Amelia's place for a discussion on a school project, pigging out on pizza and talking the night away. We had so much fun chit chatting and basically girls' night was a huge success.  She was extremely responsible and took everything seriously. For that reason she was very dependable and nobody could deny her diligence in performing duties.That never got in the way of our friendship despite the fact I was on the other end of the hardworking scale while Amelia was more moderate. Our differences complemented each other instead of tearing us apart.

Her father took care of her like gold, and I personally envied her family relationship. She was always a devoted child and she had an amazingly close relationship with her elder brother. The three of us were hard and fast, and we never hid anything from each other ( though Amelia and I did debate hiding certain things from her on account of how naive she was, we ended up telling her everything anyway ). We had group studies where we would gather under the pretext of studying but end up gossiping. We even had surprise birthday parties, persuading our parents to drive us over to each others' houses at night with a birthday cake. We could sit for hours and talk about a gazillion things and yet still have not enough time to cover everything. Our friendship stood the test of time, and we were close right til our school days ended. We grew up, and our circle of friends grew larger, yet we put time aside for us three musketeers as that was one ring that was never breached by anyone or anything. Even the biggest fights never lasted more than a couple of days. Many things changed, but somehow we never grew apart.

I have a zillion memories with her that make me smile when I think about it. I remember once when we were in school, I was sitting in between Hemala and Amelia in the laboratory when a bird flew over and pooped on Hemala's skirt. Unfortunately enough Amelia and I happened to be kicking each other throughout the class and there was a huge uproar as I attempted to run away from Hemala while my feet were still tangled with Amelia's. I'll never forget the yelling I got from Hemala for being an idiot. There was also the time when one of us swore during an intense game of UNO and she scolded us for using 'wild' words ( she meant 'vulgar' but got confused with the UNO wild card ). And the time we ran out to the long jump pitch on the other end of the school field to collect sand to dump over a bottle of kerosene someone had spilled beside a barbecue pit during a Girl Guides camp. There are so many happy, sad and hilarious moments that we spent together and I couldn't possible document them all, but the whole point is we had an actual female friendship which didn't involve the drama and the catfights expected. We were nothing less than sisters.

As we got older and left school it became increasingly difficult for us to maintain our friendship. We met other people and made new friends. No, our bond didn't lessen despite not being able to communicate as we used to for hours. The fact that we were in our respective colleges made it difficult to meet up and catch up with each other. The last time we met was perhaps a year ago when we had dinner in Pizza Hut and like always, talked for hours. Hemala never once forgot to whatsapp me and she constantly asked me when we were going to meet, but I was always too busy or away. I promised her that I would meet her during my term holidays this June, and I genuinely missed her and looked forward to it. As fate would have it, it was not to be.We used to joke about how we would tell each others' future husbands what a huge mistake they were making. We used to joke about how we would become godparents for each others' kids. We even joked about one day living in the same apartment when we were all grown up because who needed men anyway when you had the best of friends?

Imagine my horror when Amelia called me and hysterically told me that Hemala had died in a car crash. I was speechless. How was that even possible? Young, naive and obedient to her parents and an amazing sister to her elder brother. It seemed like a cruel joke. Surely God had made a mistake? Surely this was all a horrible prank? I hung up and broke down in tears. I called my mom telling her the news because I didn't know who else to call or what else to do. I did not know whether to cry or be in a daze. I did both. I wanted so badly to come home and see the girl I considered to be my sister for the last time, but I knew it wouldn't change anything. And it would have broken my heart to see the sorrow of her family. I couldn't believe that we would never meet again, and I would never get to tell her all about my new life in university, and listen to her voice again. I am embarrassed to admit that I even sent her whatsapp messages, hoping that I was just dreaming and she would reply me cheerfully the way she always did. I could not sleep and I was in a dazed state, hoping for an end to the nightmare. To tell you the truth I once again had the occasional bout of crying, but most of all I was in a constant state of confusion.

Hemala this is for you. I'm sorry for all that I have done. I'm sorry for not being able to see you. How was I to know you would leave us so soon? There was so much left for you in this life. We won't see your future husband to tell him what a mistake he was making. We will never see your kids. We will never live in that apartment we talked about. I'm sorry for all the times I neglected you, for all the times I was impatient with you. I wish so much that I could have seen you before you left, but like always, the circumstances forbade it. I want more than ever for you to come back. If I had the power to turn back time I would change what cannot be undone. Who else is left to make stupid comments that are both annoying and hilarious? Who will now fill the permanent hole in our hearts? Who will complete our little circle? Where will Amelia and I look for you now when we have something new to talk about, when we have new events in our lives? We miss you very much, and we love you, and though you are away, our friendship is still here. I will see you again someday, and be prepared because I'm gonna be so mad at you. We will forever treasure the memories we have created. One day, we will accept that you are gone. Til then, we will grieve our loss. Someday we'll come to terms with the fact that you have left. Til then, we know you're watching us from up above. We promise to be good. We promise not to argue. We promise never to grow part. Most importantly, we promise to keep our friendship alive. We pray for you. Rest in peace, old friend. And may you watch over us and realise that you mean so much to us. Til we meet again. Farewell. 

P/S :- To all those reading out there, please drive safely. Don't put your loved ones through the misery of writing your eulogy.